We make many plans when we are about to travel somewhere—from buying new clothes to making an itinerary to organising everything. We do lots of research about the place we’re planning to travel to: the rating of the hotel, the types of food served there, etc., etc.
But when it comes to marriage—the longest journey one may take in this world, which continues till Jannah—we do no research at all about it. We only do preparations! The salons get booked in advance, the dresses and matching jewellery are decided, the henna and makeup artists are booked. The man is excited to get a wife, and the woman is excited to get a husband. The in-laws are excited to receive the new member of the family, hoping that their progeny will grow now.
And there is nothing wrong with these preparations. However, while we are indulged in preparing ourselves physically, we forget that the relation is a soulful one—the only bonding on this planet where no blood ties are involved, the only relation where the bonding is at the soul level. Unfortunately, while the soul is preparing to meet its other half, the soul itself is unprepared—only the surface is being prepared.
When we do research about any topic, we only learn about it from a worldly perspective. Imagine you buy a washing machine. The washing machine will come with an instruction manual explaining how it runs, what to do if something goes wrong, etc. To understand how the machine works, we must contact its manufacturer, as they will be the right people to guide us. What if we contact the wrong person? Or instead of reading the manual of a washing machine, we read the manual of a juicer mixer? Will it give us the correct understanding? Indeed, no.
Now, if we follow the same procedure to learn about marriage or the rights of a spouse, whose perspective should we follow? Can a fallible being tell us how to handle a divine bond? Can human understanding be sufficient in knowing how to handle another human? Yes, we can still get some beneficial advice, but that will remain limited due to our limited capacity for understanding. Thus, the best way to learn about this soulful bond is by knowing it through the divine perspective—understanding the rights of a human being through their Creator. To reach the right destination, the path must also be right. Regardless of how much we study, human knowledge will remain limited, and there will always be something beyond our understanding.
While I write about this topic, please know that I am also a human being and my knowledge is limited. I am only sharing what I have learned, but there could be much more than this. Therefore, it is advisable that every individual learn about this journey themselves—as we are all unique entities, our journeys are also unique—but know it only through the divine perspective, the perspective of our Creator, and fulfill its due rights as commanded in the manual of instructions—the Quran, Sunnah, and Shariah.
While doing your research, try to know the answers to these questions:
- What is the purpose of marriage?
- Why did Allah create everything in pairs?
- Why did Allah create Eve (Hawwa, AS) for Adam (AS), even though he was in Jannah—where nothing is missing? One can cherish everything in Jannah: all happiness, peace, and enjoyment. There is nothing lacking there.
- What are the rights of spouses over each other?
So, what is marriage from my perspective? Marriage is an institution built by two separate parts that were created from a single soul. These parts remain apart until Allah says, “Be,” for them to come together. Though created from a single soul, they may have different personalities, customs, behaviours, and natures. Yet the divine sign is that they unite to form something sacred and unique—something that cannot be achieved even through blood relationships. Allah could have created them equal and compatible in every aspect so that bonding would be easier, but instead, He blessed them with unique traits—their habits, likes, dislikes, behaviours, natures, emotions, logic, reasoning, and personalities.
Generally, men have a practical approach to things, while women, on the other hand, possess emotional depth. Men are often steady in their actions, whereas women may fluctuate as a result of their natural disposition. It is said that men are like the sun—bright, steady, and constant—while women are like the moon, ever-changing, sometimes full of light, sometimes dim, and at times completely hidden. A man brings discipline to the house through his rational approach, but a home cannot thrive on rationality alone. A woman nurtures the house with her warmth and emotional depth. Imagine a home filled only with practicality and reason, yet lacking warmth and affection—could it truly be a home?
Just as both the sun and the moon are essential for the survival of life, both are equally necessary within a household. The problem arises when they try to change each other’s personalities instead of accepting one another’s unique attributes. Allah made us different so that we may grow as His servants—by understanding each other’s perspectives, accepting them as they are, and making things work through incompatibilities rather than trying to change the marvellous creation of Allah. Know that everything created by our Lord is perfect. We should not attempt to alter His creation, for in doing so, it loses its essence.
These different beings are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, which serve no purpose while apart but can form something meaningful and complete when joined together.
Allah created mankind in pairs, placing between them mercy, affection, and tranquillity. These blessings can only be achieved in the way of Allah—never the other way around.
“And of His Signs is that He has created mates for you from your own kind so that you may find peace in them, and He has set between you love and mercy. Surely there are Signs in this for those who reflect.” [30:21]
We often forget the divine purpose of this blessed relationship. Allah swt teaches us the purpose of marriage in the Holy Quran. The three main purposes of marriage are:
- Peace (Sukūn)
- Love (Mahabbah)
- Mercy (Rahmah)
The first purpose, to find sukūn in each other, doesn’t only refer to physical comfort. The word sukūn has a broader meaning in Arabic. It conveys stillness, calmness, a sense of belonging, serenity, rest, resilience, repose, lull, and a feeling of home.
The second purpose is Mahabbah (love). Mahabbah comes from the root word habb, meaning “seed”—something that sprouts, keeps growing, and reaches its peak. This love is passionate, filled with fondness, inclination, and enthusiasm. It signifies a sense of submission, a feeling of leaving the world behind, and a sense of losing oneself in each other, forgetting worldly worries as if only you two exist.
The third purpose is Rahmah (mercy), which is related to the word rahm, meaning “womb.” As the child is protected in the womb of his mother, the spouses should also feel protected with each other. Rahmah signifies compassion, pity, affection, and tenderness. It is when you feel a profound sense of belonging to the other person. Despite being two separate bodies, you feel united as one. Together, sukūn, mahabbah, and rahmah create a bond of tranquillity, love, and compassion that fulfils the divine purpose of marriage.
That is why this association is a divine one. So what should we do when we are blessed with it? We must remain mindful of Allah and never be heedless regarding the rights of our spouse, for Allah is always present between us and fully aware of what we do. Not two people are alone, but Allah is the third one!
It is often said that marriage is a triangle: the spouses stand at the base, and Allah is at the top. The closer they draw to Allah, the closer they will draw to each other. Therefore, spouses should seek Allah’s pleasure and nearness through one another. Indeed, a marriage without God-consciousness (taqwa) is like a weak thread—it will eventually break.
Sadly, many people do not respect this bond or give it its true value, and as a result, marriage becomes weak and uncertain. But when it is built upon the foundation of piety, and the spouses act as a team rather than against each other, its foundation becomes strong.
Allah says in the Holy Qur’an:
“Your spouses are a garment for you as you are for them.” [2:187]
When we interpret this verse, the human mind only understands within the limits of its understanding. Thus, we often interpret the word “garment” only in terms of physical intimacy. However, we must ponder upon why Allah used the word libās (garment) in this verse.
What is the role of a libās? When we wear clothes, what do we think about them? A garment covers our imperfections—the bodily flaws that we want to hide from the world. The garment protects our honour and our dignity.
Now, reread the above verse with this understanding and understand the role of a spouse from this perspective. When the husband becomes the garment to the wife, it means he protects her from all evil—including his own. He hides her flaws, beautifies her, honours her, maintains and protects her dignity. The garment (husband) becomes a barrier between his wife and the external world.
In the same way, the wife is his garment—protecting his honour and maintaining the trust of being a garment. The issue is that we human beings have limited understanding. When we want to understand the meaning of a word, we simply translate that word into one single word, reducing its meanings. When the word libās is translated, we reduce its meanings and only limit it to one single aspect—physical bonding. However, if we think about it deeply and challenge our understanding, we learn its real meaning.
Beyond this, though this bond is certainly divine, it requires constant work. We cannot leave anything on autopilot mode in this world. Unfortunately, many people marry simply for the sake of being married, forgetting the sacred purpose of this blessed relationship, which is no less than an act of worship (ibadah).
To achieve a successful marriage, we must follow the commandments of Allah that He has set forth. Yet, we often make worldly concerns the centre of our relationships, placing Allah at the end of our priorities. Therefore, spouses must strengthen their bond through respect, mercy, and good intentions and let the ship of marriage sail in the way of Allah and by His command—with the firm conviction that His rulings are not to be altered, nor His boundaries transgressed.
May He grant us the same sukūn in our spouses that He has described in the Qur’an and created them to provide. Ameen.
I will conclude with this du’a:
“Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous.” (Qur’an 25:74)
Ameen
Islam is perfect, and any mistakes are solely mine. I take responsibility for my mistakes and seek your pardon for any errors I may have made. And Allah Knows Best!
